I feel inspired today!!
And I feel like talking too much about things! Edit:
It's so long, I thought I should add a table of contents Contents:
- Gender Transition
I know that in life I want to be a generalist. I definitely don't want to be a specialist. There are just too many things to do in this world and not enough time to do them all. I don't want to spend 90% of my lifetime mastering one thing when there is so much more in the world than just that. I would derive much more value from learning and experiencing a little bit of a lot of things rather than a lot of few things.
I know this because of multiple self-observations, *ahem*
- I am naturally (and strongly) attracted to just about anything if I am exposed to it the the right way. (And I have tons of interests already) I could be a nerd about almost anything!
- Discipline doesn't work well at all for me. I can't do the same thing for very long without becoming miserable. (Projects only hold my interest for on average a couple of days. )
- I don't like routine at all! Too much routine brings my mood down. It makes life seem dull and colorless. I lose energy and everything seems boring, so I stop caring about it.
- I LOVE change! When my life takes a significant turn, I become so happy because there's suddenly many new interesting experiences to soak in! This is why I have a history of constantly rearranging my room. It changes the environment And you may think the environment isn't that important, but really, for me, it is. It's the background of my experience that compliments my main focus which is the foreground. Even though it's usually not what I pay attention to, it strongly defines what I do actually pay attention to. And it has a lot of impact on my mood and how I feel about everything. Would deviantArt feel as home-y if it had a terrible design?
So all of that to me says in big pretty capital letters that I, at heart, am inclined towards :iconrainbow-gplz: :iconrainbow-eplz: :iconrainbow-nplz: :iconrainbow-eplz: :iconrainbow-rplz: :iconrainbow-aplz: :iconrainbow-lplz: :iconrainbow-iplz: :iconrainbow-splz: :iconrainbow-mplz: :iconrainbow-exclamation:
"GENERALISM" Why don't the :icon: things work anymore? o_o
And if that's the way I am, I have to work with it.
I can't try to be a specialist even though society tries to push everybody people down down such paths like there's nothing else they can do
That path isn't for everyone, and it's problematic that there aren't more options for those that aren't inclined towards that.
Jeez, I need to calm down . . .
Not so practical
Another thing about me is that I'm not a practical person, I appreciate things primarily for their end value and I focus much less on "what it's supposed to do and how that can aid me towards my goals." For example, I like monitors. I like monitors because it's fun to line them all up and have a super large desktop that I can't possibly find enough uses for.
I like monitors because it's fun...
because it's fun...
fun i tell u
Like, you know, instead of, "beacuse it's useful and helps me to accomplish things more efficiently" pfff forget that
that's how they WANT you to think
It's like they want you to get so caught up in long term goals that you forget about how to live in the moment.
and so you spend all of your whole life working towards a long term goal and when you finally reach it... you've forgotten how to even enjoy it!
Maybe I'm exaggerating here, but yeah..
But basically, if you forget how to enjoy things for what they are, live in the moment and such, how do you expect to enjoy the end result of a long term goal after all that hard work?
Boring and safe vs. exciting and dangerous
The way I see it... (and I have pretty good eyes, i think not rly
) You can live the safe way... stick to what you are familiar with, be resistant to things that you aren't familiar with, and lead a secure, stable, but routine (boring?
) life, orrrrrrrrr on the flip side you can live the dangerous way... always taking risks with what you aren't familiar with, be spontaneous, and lead an unstable, adventurious life, full of constant surprises and new wonderful things!
But of course that's not to say you can't do both
And with certain really really important things like basic needs, it makes sense to be more cautious with it, I think. But that goes back to practicality. Those aren't the things I would be living for
but rather the things that are allowing me to live
. My curious explorative nature naturally draws me towards adventurious spontaneous desires. Those are the things I want to live for
. But I have to make sure I have the things that allow me to live
taken care of so I don't have to worry about them and can focus on the enjoyable things.
About the "dangerous" part though... if I take a risk and change everything up, things might be worse than they were before! It's totally possible.
But it's necessary. Without the exciting and dangerous aspect, I can start to feel really dull and down, akin to feeling depressed, I suppose
(which goes back to earlier when I said constant routine makes me feel this way).
I think it goes something
Rather than there being "good" things and "bad" things in the world, there are "meaningful" things and "meaningless" things. That is, there are things we care about and things we don't. When something we care about goes well, we call it a "good" thing and when something we care about goes in a way we don't like, we call it a "bad" thing. By caring about something, we taking risks with our emotions. We'll try our hardest to do good things for what we care about, but it's not always in our control. I think depressed people's lack of interest and care partially comes from a defense mechanism. If everything they try to care about goes bad more than it goes good, it may hurt less for them just to simply not care about it. Unfortunately by trying to block the negative feelings they also block the positive ones. Because they revert to a more stable and secure way that doesn't get shooken up as much in neither good nor bad ways. ...
That's so... childish
"Childish" sounds like a bad thing... for some reason.
A quick google search gives these two definitions:
- of, like, or appropriate to a child.
- silly and immature.
Aha, ah got choo' now
The first definition is a pure definition, it knows what its talking about, what's the real deal, its my buddy
...and the second one.. I think is what is usually meant by "childish."
Silly and immature aren't automatically bad things though!
Immaturity is something everrrybody experiences, and we are alllll always immature. A definition search for immature gives this: "not fully developed." that makes sense, and there's nothing wrong with it, so it's a shame that it has a bad reputation. There's no such thing as fully developed. I would really dislike it if there were such a thing. I would never want to be "fully developed," because that means i'm... finished ... I don't wanna be finished. That means I'm done with life!! There's nothing left to do, nowhere left to go. No more desires, no more action, no more existing.
No more singing, no more dancing...
No more art, no more music...
No more friends, no more family...
No more pizza, no more tacos...
Yeahhh you get the point, basically, no more nothin'!
There's nothing wrong with being immature. Immaturity is the ideal state for potential, I think.
That's not to say it's wrong or bad to be mature either, at all. Maturity is good too!
That's something to be proud of because you've learned and overcome things. I'm just saying I don't want to think that becoming mature means I'm "done," like I've mastered everything and suddenly know everything or something weird like that
I want to always keep with me aspects of immaturity throughout my life, because I want to always seek opportunities to grow and always have things to do, and I'm more open to that when I tell my brain how immature I am.
The other word, though, "silly," it's important too!
Google says, "having or showing a lack of common sense or judgment; absurd and foolish." More things that I feel are usually looked down on. But I think there is also value in those things. There is value in absurdity, which google defines as "wildly unreasonable, illogical, or inappropriate." Logic is great and all, but it's only one part of the puzzle (and brain). On the other side of the coin is creativity!
Creativity is totally unreasonable. Creativity is about new stuff
, yo. Logic is about discovering things thare are already there
. Already there
is by definition not
new. So they are two different things. And creativity is by nature illogical. And creativity is AMAZING!
It's what gives the world it's flavah!
Creativity makes the world what it is, and logic helps us to fully discover it, so why can't the irrational people and the rational people get along?
Children are pretty creative, I think, they also have a lot of potential. Heck they're nothing but potential. They're also pretty silly, and can be immature, sure
But those are all wonderful things and nothing to be ashamed of!
So if you're "childish," I would say that that's pretty darn rad~
I value childishness. Being silly and immature are two things that I want to always keep with me.
And I can keep them with me while also learning to appreciate rationality and maturity. Both of them are great things!
Just a thing about me
Something I'm doing that people may or may not be suspicious about already is that that I'm transitioning from male to female.
(I mean if you've looked, most of my profiles say "female" now) I'm... transforming!!
It's something that's very important to me, but it's not something I want to make a big deal out of.
I've realized over the past few years that I would be happier with an identity as a female rather than a male. I began to realize as I opened my mind up to ideas about who I am, and by imagining myself being absolutely however I like with 0 restrictions. And I started thinking about what life would be like as a girl... and... I thought... wait a minute...
I kind of prefer imagining myself as a girl than a guy...?!
I investigated further and tried out a female name, "Madeline," a name that I happy to like very very much~
It's amazing how just changing your internet handle can change the way you feel about yourself!
I immediately loved seeing the name next to my messages, and I loved being "mistaken" for a girl by people I hadn't talked to before. I would "correct" them usually by saying "I'm not actually a girl, haha" or something like that. But then I got to thinking about what it actually means to be of a certain gender. And then I stumbled upon the term "transgender" and I learned about a whole lot of new interesting ideas concerning gender and identity, and how many flavors of people there really are
And I also discovered people that go through gender transitions. I immediately knew that I would like to do something like that, but for a while I just concidered it an impossible dream. But I still kept my "Madeline" internet name, because it made me happy, quite simply.
Eventually I thought more about my future... and how it's my
future... and how I would really, truly
like to live my life, and I came to the conclusion that I would want to transition as well.
After many failed attempts, my terribly shy self managed to painstakingly tell my family what I wanted to do, and that was that. (After I got it out I couldn't talk and layed on the floor for a few hours shaking
Looking back, it kinda makes sense
I've always loved feminine names, despite not having a clue what actually makes them feminine rather than masculine. I've never liked anything about puberty. And somehow I even managed to be assumed to be a girl via text chats over the internet
(How someone types like a girl? I have no clue!
I've typed wayyy too much!
To wrap things up, I'm saying that want to be an impractical, childish, generalist, that does creative things, or uh... something along those lines
I want to be freeee and live by my self in a cozy little house also. I dunnooo, but yah, byeee! I also had a ton of fun picking out emoticons for this