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About Varied / Hobbyist Member MadelineFemale/United States Groups :iconzerg620s-basement: Zerg620s-Basement
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MegaLoler
Madeline
Artist | Hobbyist | Varied
United States
:iconrenapop: WAS HERE, mwahahhahahahahas,ashdnsadhmkja

I need to redo my bio... o-o
Interests
I know this is super super long (and I spent 9 whole hours writing it), but it all ties together in the end! :aww:

Table of contents!


  • "Atmospheres" and Happiness
  • The Little Things are the Biggest Things
  • Labels
  • Discovering your True Self: Starting Without the Labels
  • Expressing Yourself and the Need to Do So
  • Gender: An Illusion of Identity
  • Self Expression over Gender Expression

"Atmospheres" and Happiness


"Atmosphere" is what I like to call a certain feeling of deep, true happiness that I've experienced multiple times in my life.  It's named after the aura that the moment and environment feels to emit.  It's a feeling that's all about the context of what I'm doing and has little to do with actually what I'm consciously immersed in.

Experiences that are correlated (whether by cause or effect) with atmospheres as I experience them follow (but not all of them are always present):
  • Life in the moment
  • A lack of worry, concern, and anxiety in general
  • Heightened wakefulness
  • Furthermore, heightened senses and memory
  • Particularly heightened sense of emotional feelings (which are more colorful than they are functional, like a pool of colorful, neon mixed-fruit-juice swirling around in my gut!)
  • A deep complete sense of "everything is good"
  • A strong feeling of connection, acceptance, acknowledgement, and openness with the people around me
  • The ability to enjoy almost any activity
  • Feeling like I am in a completely different place even if I am in a place I visit regularly
  • Intense immersion, often to the point of mental dissociation

It's strongly influenced by things that happen in the background of my awareness.  And interestingly it seems strongest (but can still exist) when that background stays in the background and does not become the foreground.  Instead something else is in the foreground of my attention and immerses me, as mentioned above, often to the point of mental dissociation.  Yet it typically doesn't make much of a difference what that actual activity is, as long as it consumes my attention.

Story Time


Reading in 3rd Grade


One afternoon in third grade, I was sitting quietly at my desk reading a book I had recently checked out from the fiction section in the library.  My head was down at an angle that couldn't have been healthy for my neck with my nose stuffed into the yellow, musky pages.  It was relatively calm in the classroom with the constant gentle sound of page turns, chair scoots, and pencil tapping along with the soothing white noise of the air conditioner which ran more than it should keeping it cold in the classroom.  I sat comfortably with my legs wrapped in an awkward-looking position and my eyes fixed sturdily on the words before them.  I immersed myself in the story.  Despite the sounds of the class room, I only heard sounds in the story.  And despite never shifting from my awkward position, I only felt myself standing by the characters.  I probably stayed that way for over an hour.  For one reason or another I thought to look up from my book.  I did, and the classroom was empty.

Why am I trying to write like this, I can't write ._.

I was so immersed that the class managed to leave without me realizing.  I don't even know how the teacher failed to see me.

And that's my favorite example from experience of "Intense immersion, often to the point of mental dissociation."

Dreams


Okay, this one isn't really a story because I can't recall at the moment a specific dream for this.  But every once in a while I will have a dream that is really vivid and immersive.  It will involve lots of emotion and be very detailed.  It'll feel like I've left this world for a while.  And when I wake up, I'll stay in bed and the feeling of having been in that other world will linger.  This atmospheric feeling is very strong and effects my perception of the waking world.  So despite being in the very same place I am every day, it feels totally different.  The reason is because my background mental processes have been changed to that of that other world that I felt I was in.  And I love to enjoy this feeling as long as it lasts.  It usually lasts for about two hours before it fades away because of my background mental processes being replaced again with those of my normal environment.

Family Story


One summer a few years ago, I got to meet some of my family that I had never met before.  Six people drove across the country to stay for a week at my house.  It was one of the best experiences I've ever had.  From the moment they arrived, everything was different.  Life in the exact same house I've been in for half my life was completely different.  We did everything together from eating dinner made by my brother-in-law together to hanging out in my room watching youtube videos or playing video games.  I was happy not because we were watching youtube videos or playing video games, all things I could have done before they had arrived, but because we had something to do together, and we did it together.  I felt very connected to them, and I had the rare opportunity for me to be myself around other people, especially family.  When they left, I cried.  And it took a few days before it stopped "feeling" like they were still there.  I even told my dad that it still felt as if they were there.  There's a kind of saddenning feeling that comes when you suddenly lose something that was giving you constant great happiness.

And that's my favorite example from experience of "A strong feeling of connection, acceptance, acknowledgement, and openness with the people around me," "The ability to enjoy almost any activity," and "Feeling like I am in a completely different place even if I am in a place I visit regularly."

And all of these experiences have led me to feel that the background noise in life in more important than the focus!  (But that's just my own personal experience.)

And this is also why I really love things like music, video games, imaginary worlds, architecture, and just generally a lot of things.  Most of the beauty of music comes from the details that you can't consciouslly notice (unless you are an accomplished musician) and usually gives you something prominent to focus on (like a melody).  Video games put you into a completely new world with activities to do.  Without that other world, it's hard to appreciate fighting a monster, solving puzzles, or assuming a role in an RPG.  They are all examples of the importance of the background over the foreground.

The Little Things are the Biggest Things
Background over Foreground, Foundation and Context


It seems completely unintuitive to me to think that the background would be more important than the foreground!  We think of them as the little things in life.  The smell of cooking food, talking with a friend about trivial matters, things you do in your "spare time," you know, the things that aren't your "occupation."  Yet that's what all of my experiences point towards.  I wouldn't be happy doing "what I love" in a terrible environment, yet I would be totally happy doing things I don't care about in a wonderful environment.

That is to say, the what in life comes secondary to the who, when, where, why, and how.

Why?  I think that in the real world, nothing happens without context.  Though we have brains capable of extracting abstract meaning from concrete examples, those abstract ideas never actually occur in their pure forms.  It can't exist without the context from which it was derived.  In art, the background is the foundation upon which the focus is presented.  In music, the dominant key defines the tonic key which isn't perceived as tonic without the tension of the dominant resolving thereinto.  It seems that there are many examples where the perception of the foreground depends on its background.  And that's why I feel like the environment is extremely important and why I think the previously mentioned atmospheres are so influenced by the environment

Labels


Labels, labels, labels.  We label everything so we can refer to it.  We label our thoughts, our surroundings, and our experiences.  Labels are important!  It's how we communicate.  But they aren't perfect.

Failings of Labels


Labels are ambiguous.  They can mean one thing to one person and another thing to another person.  Such a thing can often lead to heavily buried miscommnuication.  When it is (unwisely so) so strongly assumed that both parties understand certain labels to mean exactly the same thing yet there are subtle unnoticed distinctions, it is easy for the two parties to misinterpret each other and potentially become angry.  The best way to prevent problems is for each party to understand that they are both logical beings, and if something doesn't make logical sense to one of them, but to the other it does, then there is obviously a mismatch rather than one of them having inferior logic skills, and the best way to diagnose it is to break it down and figure out exactly where the difference in understanding is.  It's natural to feel angry and frustrated and want to take that out on the other party, but it's much more productive and with a happier ending to be understanding.

"It's hot, turn the AC down."
"You mean up?"
"That would make it hotter."
"If I turn the air conditioner up more, it will cool the air more!"
"No, it will make the temperature higher!"

The hidden misconception being whether up and down refers to the temperature or the power usage.


Labels are inaccurate.  It's impossible to truly define real life phenomena.  As mentioned in the previous section, though we have brains capable of extracting abstract meaning from concrete examples, those abstract ideas never actually occur in their pure forms.  Labels can only really give us a vague (to varying degrees) idea of the intended meaning.  In addition to vagueness, they often imply details that we don't want.  But we might have to resort to a particular inaccurate label just because we don't have a more precise option.  The best way to get around this is to be more wordy.  Unfortnately, being more wordy means, well, more words, and that can quickly become a lecture instead of a conversation if you are trying to explain something particularly exotic!

"Do you wanna go fly in my new lawn mower?"
"Lawn mowers don't fly."
"Planes don't mow lawns."

What would you call a flying, lawn-mowing machine?


False label implications have a tendancy to be artificially realized.  If you use a label for something that doesn't necessarily fit, or otherwise implies things (through experience or otherwise) that you don't immediately see in what you are describing, and you continue to use that label, then that item is more likely to become (according to the eyes of the beholders) everything that that initially inaccurate label implies.  It's even stronger when you label people.  If you tell someone they are smart, they might start acting like how they see other "smart people" acting, because they subconsciously see themselves as a part of the same group of people having that label and begin to exaggerate their commonalities.  A lot of these extra hidden implications of labels possibly come from the content from which they were originally derived, which goes back to the idea that things never really exist out of context.

A person gives another person a chopstick.
"What's this?"
"A knife."
"Oh okay."
And they procede to cut their steak with a stick.


Labels are only secondary to the actual experience.  But they still have a very important role because the actual experience isn't always available to everyone.  They are most effectively used with awareness of their shortcomings.

Discovering your True Self: Starting Without the Labels


What makes someone who they are?  From a subjective perspective, I think it's all of what they experience.  From an objective standpoint, I think it's all of what they do.  How do you find out who you are?  If you are what you experience, then pay attention to what you experience.  If you are what you do, then pay attention to what you do.  If happiness comes from what someone is naturally driven torwards (I understand there can be a lot of different meanings for happiness!  But this is how I am using it.) then finding out who you naturally are can be as simple as paying attention to what you naturally feel drawn to, or from an objective point of view, by paying attention what you naturally do.

But in order to find out what you are naturally drawn towards, you have to be exposed to opportunities.  If you don't know what's out there, you can't be drawn to it.  In early childhood, it's easy to be exposed to the world from a pure point of view.  That is you can see what's really before your eyes without much bias, because you haven't been alive long enough to develop much bias.  But the older you are and the more labels you have for things, the easier it is to be exposed to the world from a impure, filtered, biased point of view.

Labels aren't the real thing.  They are inaccurate symbols for them at best.  And as such, seeing the world solely through labels is impure and limiting.  Think about life without words.  If you relied on words to see the world, you wouldn't be able to see.

Labels come from language, which comes from communication, which comes from other people.  So seeing the world through labels is like seeing the world through someone else's point of view.  More specifically, through the point of view of the hypothetical common person who is the aggregate of everyone that speaks your language.  Of course you can synthesize these labels that come from other people and use them in a way that has only ever been used before by yourself, but you are still limited to expressing the atoms of meaning that are contained within those labels.

You have to see the world through your own eyes instead of someone else's.  You can't depend on someone else's labels and the meanings contained within to tell you who you are.  You have to be able to see things that don't have words yet!

So if you search for yourself in the hypothetical common person, you are missing out on a lot of potential self discoveries.  Everyone is so much more different than they think, because they are so used to seeing only what they have in common.  To find your true self, you have to be willing to look in other places than soley other people that you hope to have things in common with.

None of this is to say that labels are bad and that it's bad to have things in common with other people.  Those things are very important as well.  For one, seeing the world from the point of view of someone else can be extremely insightful.  And having things in common with other people can make you feel accepted and validated.  The point is just that it if it's the only place you look, then you are missing out on a lot of insight and can become doomed to thinking you are just a common person with the same interests and feelings as everyone else.

Expressing Yourself and the Need to Do So


As you discover who you are you probably want to share that with others.  Why and how?

Why?  If you express yourself, you are being yourself.  If being yourself is what naturally makes you happy, then by expressing yourself, you become happy.  If subjectively you are what you experience, and objectively you are what you do, then when you express yourself, you bring the subjective and the objective together.  When you express yourself, the world reciprocates.  You see in the world reflected back at you what you feel on the inside.  And that can be extremely validating.  It's the world saying "you exist."  Lastly, if nobody expressed themselves, then new ideas would never spread or develop, and we would live in a world without content.

How?  If the desire to express yourself to other people comes from the desire for ackowledgement, then you have to show people who you are.  You can't acknolwedge someone if you don't know they exist.  Showing people who you are can be as simple as being yourself before them.  But what if you have to explain to someone who you are?  Then you are stuck with using language, and that means labels.

In order to communicate who you are to someone, you have to use labels that they understand.  This can be frustrating because of the previously described shortcomings of labels.  Furthermore, most people aren't willing to read a biography of you (a previously mentioned work around for label inaccuracies is to use a lot more labels) just to get to know you.  People want to know who you are as soon as they find out about you.  They want you to fit into their labels so they can feel like they instantly know everything about you.  Unfortunately that's not how the world works.  But it doesn't stop people from trying and being heavily habituated to doing so.  As such, if you want to express yourself to these people, it's probably in your best interest to "sum your self up" using the most accurate labels you can find (as long as you don't fall into the traps associated with labels, as previously mentioned).

There will be some people that take the time to see through their labels and get to know you in a more pure way.  But even they will ever truly be able to know who you are, because they are fundamentally not you.  Labels are important aids of communication and people are going to use them, so despite their inability to truly portray you, knowing as well as you can which labels communicate which ideas to the other people, that people are going to assume many untrue things about you based on the labels you choose, and how to use those effectively is the most effective way to make an impression of yourself using words.

I like to say it this way.  Everyone will misunderstand you, but you have some control over how they misunderstand you.

Gender: An Illusion of Identity
Man-Made, Culture-Specific, Prepackaged, Stereotypical Identities


Now I'm going to start bringing all of this around to gender identity.  But first, some ground.

Sex is a biological distinction.  Living beings can be male, female, intersex, or even sexless.  Gender is social construct.  Societies associate roles, perceptions, and expectations with multiple genders (some societies even have more than two.)  Genders are typically assigned to people based on their sex and have a one-to-one correspondence with sex.

When two ideas become too similar, it's easy for them to become conflated.  Especially when the two ideas use the very same words.  (That's one of the failings of labels, as previously mentioned!)

In this case, the ideas of sex and gender, while theoretically being completely different concepts, are in practice tied together so seamlessly that they become easily confused and thought to be the exact same thing.  And it doesn't help that the words for male and female sex are the exact same words for male and female gender.  Thus it is an extremely common misconception that gender and sex are the exact same thing.  They're completely different.

Another difference between sex and gender is that sex is a naturally evolved distinction among living beings, and gender is a man-made idea.  The gender roles in a society, while most likely being influenced by some degree by the natural typical differences in behaviour among the different sexes, are arbitrary, and that is further confirmed in that in different cultures, gender roles can be completely different.

The reason gender becomes so important is because it is heavily engrained in society.  The rules of etiquette that apply to one gender don't always apply to the other.  Different career paths are typically expected from different genders.  It's even embeded into the very core of our language.  It's almost impossible to get by speaking without verbally acknowledging someone's gender role (pronouns, gendered nouns, etc.).  There can be strong stigma associated with acting outside of assigned gender roles.

Someone's gender identity is the aspect of a person's identity as it relates to the gender roles of society.  When someone feels comfortable with the gender role assigned to them at birth, we say that they are cisgender.  When someone feels uncomfortable with the gender role assigned to them at birth, we say they are transgender.  Seeing as how gender is so strongly a part of society, it can quickly become a challenge for transgender people to feel comfortable.

Now for what I really want to talk about.

Gender roles are but labels.  Not only are they labels, but they are forced upon us whether we like it or not.  Try as you might, but you will never be able to stop people from trying to assign a gender label to you when they acknowledge you.  Thus when it comes to expressing yourself to people, gender labels quickly become prominent.

In a handicapped quest to find out who you are by seeing the world solely through labels (as mentioned in a previous section) one of the most obvious encounters you will come across is gender.  How you learn about gender might vary from what you see in media or see with your own eyes.  You are most likely to end up with highly abstracted visualizations of what it means to be of each gender.  And they will most likely be stereotypical examples of such.  This creates the illusion that there are a few premade identities, ready to be assigned to people at birth, and the differences among people are as trivial as a simple gender distinction.

Then you question your gender identity.  And you ask yourself, "Which of these ready-made identities appeals to me the most?"  And kudos to you for questioning your gender identity, but be careful!  These are labels we are talking about.  And these particular labels are some of the most vague and inaccurate labels of them all, simply by virtue of the fact that they are forced upon everyone in an unnatural way.

You'll be able to more precisely figure out who you are if you don't look for yourself in one or the other of these incredibly vague ideas of each gender, but rather you look for yourself in what you naturally are drawn to regardless of what gender role it's associated with.  You are much freer without the boundaries of a gender label to define you.  And it rids you of the danger of becoming victim to the third flaw with labels that I described, that "False label implications have a tendancy to be artificially realized."  If you think you fit one gender role perfectly, you are in danger of actually becoming that instead of who you purely are.

Self Expression over Gender Expresion


Gender expression, as important as it is (though artificially so), is only one aspect of who you are.  But if you know who you are, and you want to express yourself with words to people, seeing as that you still have no choice but to be a gendered being in others' eyes, then you are going to have to decide how you want them to percieve you in relation to gender.  Like I said before, you are going to be misunderstood, but at least you have some control over just how you are misunderstood.

Me, Personally


Honestly, all of the previous stuff was just groundwork for being able to talk about what I'm about to talk about.  Now I get to talk about me! :la:

From what I know about myself so far in life, why would I, as a transgender female, prefer to be seen as a female?

I could say because the appearance that I, in a vaccuum with no limitations, would prefer to have is one that would be described as feminine. (Notice that I didn't say that I prefer a feminine appearance, but rather that the appearance I prefer is feminine, a categorical difference.  Rather than saying that I like what I see through the feminine label, I said that what I like would be better suited under the feminine label than another label.  And I have to say, the stereotypical image of a female that I have in my mind, I absolutely loathe.  But being myself is not about being what other people expect me to be, duh!)  I could say something similar about personality characteristics, though it's more blurry, and a lot about me wouldn't fit well under a masculine or feminine label, and many things would even fit better under a masculine one.

But for me that's not the point.

To be honest, I would prefer a society without the forced gendering of everyone.  I would personally feel more comfortable with that.  But there is forced gendering.  99.999% (no statistics on that) of the population will put me in a box.  So I have to pick.

For one thing, since I have some choice over how people will misinterpret me, I rather be a misinterpretted female than a misinterpretted male.  Secondly, as previously mentioned as one of the characteristics of labels, is that there is baggage associated with labels.  This is especially true of such extremely vague and encompassing labels as gender labels.  And I am more comfortable with the baggage that comes with being labeled female than the baggage that comes with being labeled male.

What is that baggage specifically?  I wouldn't be able to tell you actually.  But I know it's there.  For example, imagine a female for five seconds, and then imagine a male for five seconds.  They were different visualizations, weren't they?  You likely saw them dressed differently, presented differently, you have different memories associated with each of them, and you felt differently towards them.  They are deeply subconscious differences in conceptions that are difficult to analytically distinguish.  And while neither of the images you imagined, or any of you imagined, are likely to be even remotely close to how I feel on the inside, the female image you imagined is most likely closer to how I feel and is a better start for someone trying to figure out who I am (since they so insist on using labels in the first place).

Why do I want you to have an accurate of me?  That goes back to the need for self expression.  When someone gets a feeling about me that matches my feeling about myself, and then in return expresses that feeling back to me, I feel validated and like I actually exist.

How can I rely on something I can't pinpoint, differences that are so subconscious?  The same way I can confidentally tell you that my favorite color is gold without the slightest idea of what even gives people "favorite colors."  By comparing experiences in my mind and knowing what appeals to me the most, whether I specifically know why or not, that's how I know who I am.

Why Does it Matter?


Gender is something that goes on in the background.  Most people don't want to consciously "pursue their gender role," I've never heard of such a thing (though if that's you, there's nothing wrong with it if that's what you want to do, whatever it means to you!!)  Most people put their focus and conscious energy towards a concrete activity that they enjoy (or require) doing.  And as mentioned somewhere near the beginning of this journal, it seems totally counter intuitive to make such a big deal about what goes on in the background of life rather than the foreground of life.  But as I mentioned before, the background is the foundation upon which the foreground rests without which the foreground has nothing to define it.  If you skipped that section of this journal, you might want to go back and read The Little Things are the Biggest Things! :la:

WHEW, that ACTUALLY took 9 hours to write followed by another 45 minutes to read for errors. o_o  If you actually read to this point, you are a hero! :hug:  Or even if you just read part of it, that means a lot too. :XD:

Thank you~

Disclaimer: I like to emphasize that this is all based on my experiences and in no way do I expect them to automatically apply to everyone! :la:
  • Mood: Cheerful
  • Listening to: monitor hum
  • Reading: this.. painfully.. for errors x.x
  • Eating: near-future-doesn't-matter-i'm-hungry
  • Drinking: same

Activity


Hmmmm I'm thinking about starting doing a simply daily journal post that basically just talks about what happened that day :o  but the thing is I feel like most of my days aren't very eventful, so if I did that a lot of them might be kind of boring, and I wouldn't want to feel like I was spamming people with daily boring journal posts :saddummy:
deviantArt glitch o_o
I posted a comment to a forum post from the new watch feed, and my comment replaced the post itself :o
I know this is super super long (and I spent 9 whole hours writing it), but it all ties together in the end! :aww:

Table of contents!


  • "Atmospheres" and Happiness
  • The Little Things are the Biggest Things
  • Labels
  • Discovering your True Self: Starting Without the Labels
  • Expressing Yourself and the Need to Do So
  • Gender: An Illusion of Identity
  • Self Expression over Gender Expression

"Atmospheres" and Happiness


"Atmosphere" is what I like to call a certain feeling of deep, true happiness that I've experienced multiple times in my life.  It's named after the aura that the moment and environment feels to emit.  It's a feeling that's all about the context of what I'm doing and has little to do with actually what I'm consciously immersed in.

Experiences that are correlated (whether by cause or effect) with atmospheres as I experience them follow (but not all of them are always present):
  • Life in the moment
  • A lack of worry, concern, and anxiety in general
  • Heightened wakefulness
  • Furthermore, heightened senses and memory
  • Particularly heightened sense of emotional feelings (which are more colorful than they are functional, like a pool of colorful, neon mixed-fruit-juice swirling around in my gut!)
  • A deep complete sense of "everything is good"
  • A strong feeling of connection, acceptance, acknowledgement, and openness with the people around me
  • The ability to enjoy almost any activity
  • Feeling like I am in a completely different place even if I am in a place I visit regularly
  • Intense immersion, often to the point of mental dissociation

It's strongly influenced by things that happen in the background of my awareness.  And interestingly it seems strongest (but can still exist) when that background stays in the background and does not become the foreground.  Instead something else is in the foreground of my attention and immerses me, as mentioned above, often to the point of mental dissociation.  Yet it typically doesn't make much of a difference what that actual activity is, as long as it consumes my attention.

Story Time


Reading in 3rd Grade


One afternoon in third grade, I was sitting quietly at my desk reading a book I had recently checked out from the fiction section in the library.  My head was down at an angle that couldn't have been healthy for my neck with my nose stuffed into the yellow, musky pages.  It was relatively calm in the classroom with the constant gentle sound of page turns, chair scoots, and pencil tapping along with the soothing white noise of the air conditioner which ran more than it should keeping it cold in the classroom.  I sat comfortably with my legs wrapped in an awkward-looking position and my eyes fixed sturdily on the words before them.  I immersed myself in the story.  Despite the sounds of the class room, I only heard sounds in the story.  And despite never shifting from my awkward position, I only felt myself standing by the characters.  I probably stayed that way for over an hour.  For one reason or another I thought to look up from my book.  I did, and the classroom was empty.

Why am I trying to write like this, I can't write ._.

I was so immersed that the class managed to leave without me realizing.  I don't even know how the teacher failed to see me.

And that's my favorite example from experience of "Intense immersion, often to the point of mental dissociation."

Dreams


Okay, this one isn't really a story because I can't recall at the moment a specific dream for this.  But every once in a while I will have a dream that is really vivid and immersive.  It will involve lots of emotion and be very detailed.  It'll feel like I've left this world for a while.  And when I wake up, I'll stay in bed and the feeling of having been in that other world will linger.  This atmospheric feeling is very strong and effects my perception of the waking world.  So despite being in the very same place I am every day, it feels totally different.  The reason is because my background mental processes have been changed to that of that other world that I felt I was in.  And I love to enjoy this feeling as long as it lasts.  It usually lasts for about two hours before it fades away because of my background mental processes being replaced again with those of my normal environment.

Family Story


One summer a few years ago, I got to meet some of my family that I had never met before.  Six people drove across the country to stay for a week at my house.  It was one of the best experiences I've ever had.  From the moment they arrived, everything was different.  Life in the exact same house I've been in for half my life was completely different.  We did everything together from eating dinner made by my brother-in-law together to hanging out in my room watching youtube videos or playing video games.  I was happy not because we were watching youtube videos or playing video games, all things I could have done before they had arrived, but because we had something to do together, and we did it together.  I felt very connected to them, and I had the rare opportunity for me to be myself around other people, especially family.  When they left, I cried.  And it took a few days before it stopped "feeling" like they were still there.  I even told my dad that it still felt as if they were there.  There's a kind of saddenning feeling that comes when you suddenly lose something that was giving you constant great happiness.

And that's my favorite example from experience of "A strong feeling of connection, acceptance, acknowledgement, and openness with the people around me," "The ability to enjoy almost any activity," and "Feeling like I am in a completely different place even if I am in a place I visit regularly."

And all of these experiences have led me to feel that the background noise in life in more important than the focus!  (But that's just my own personal experience.)

And this is also why I really love things like music, video games, imaginary worlds, architecture, and just generally a lot of things.  Most of the beauty of music comes from the details that you can't consciouslly notice (unless you are an accomplished musician) and usually gives you something prominent to focus on (like a melody).  Video games put you into a completely new world with activities to do.  Without that other world, it's hard to appreciate fighting a monster, solving puzzles, or assuming a role in an RPG.  They are all examples of the importance of the background over the foreground.

The Little Things are the Biggest Things
Background over Foreground, Foundation and Context


It seems completely unintuitive to me to think that the background would be more important than the foreground!  We think of them as the little things in life.  The smell of cooking food, talking with a friend about trivial matters, things you do in your "spare time," you know, the things that aren't your "occupation."  Yet that's what all of my experiences point towards.  I wouldn't be happy doing "what I love" in a terrible environment, yet I would be totally happy doing things I don't care about in a wonderful environment.

That is to say, the what in life comes secondary to the who, when, where, why, and how.

Why?  I think that in the real world, nothing happens without context.  Though we have brains capable of extracting abstract meaning from concrete examples, those abstract ideas never actually occur in their pure forms.  It can't exist without the context from which it was derived.  In art, the background is the foundation upon which the focus is presented.  In music, the dominant key defines the tonic key which isn't perceived as tonic without the tension of the dominant resolving thereinto.  It seems that there are many examples where the perception of the foreground depends on its background.  And that's why I feel like the environment is extremely important and why I think the previously mentioned atmospheres are so influenced by the environment

Labels


Labels, labels, labels.  We label everything so we can refer to it.  We label our thoughts, our surroundings, and our experiences.  Labels are important!  It's how we communicate.  But they aren't perfect.

Failings of Labels


Labels are ambiguous.  They can mean one thing to one person and another thing to another person.  Such a thing can often lead to heavily buried miscommnuication.  When it is (unwisely so) so strongly assumed that both parties understand certain labels to mean exactly the same thing yet there are subtle unnoticed distinctions, it is easy for the two parties to misinterpret each other and potentially become angry.  The best way to prevent problems is for each party to understand that they are both logical beings, and if something doesn't make logical sense to one of them, but to the other it does, then there is obviously a mismatch rather than one of them having inferior logic skills, and the best way to diagnose it is to break it down and figure out exactly where the difference in understanding is.  It's natural to feel angry and frustrated and want to take that out on the other party, but it's much more productive and with a happier ending to be understanding.

"It's hot, turn the AC down."
"You mean up?"
"That would make it hotter."
"If I turn the air conditioner up more, it will cool the air more!"
"No, it will make the temperature higher!"

The hidden misconception being whether up and down refers to the temperature or the power usage.


Labels are inaccurate.  It's impossible to truly define real life phenomena.  As mentioned in the previous section, though we have brains capable of extracting abstract meaning from concrete examples, those abstract ideas never actually occur in their pure forms.  Labels can only really give us a vague (to varying degrees) idea of the intended meaning.  In addition to vagueness, they often imply details that we don't want.  But we might have to resort to a particular inaccurate label just because we don't have a more precise option.  The best way to get around this is to be more wordy.  Unfortnately, being more wordy means, well, more words, and that can quickly become a lecture instead of a conversation if you are trying to explain something particularly exotic!

"Do you wanna go fly in my new lawn mower?"
"Lawn mowers don't fly."
"Planes don't mow lawns."

What would you call a flying, lawn-mowing machine?


False label implications have a tendancy to be artificially realized.  If you use a label for something that doesn't necessarily fit, or otherwise implies things (through experience or otherwise) that you don't immediately see in what you are describing, and you continue to use that label, then that item is more likely to become (according to the eyes of the beholders) everything that that initially inaccurate label implies.  It's even stronger when you label people.  If you tell someone they are smart, they might start acting like how they see other "smart people" acting, because they subconsciously see themselves as a part of the same group of people having that label and begin to exaggerate their commonalities.  A lot of these extra hidden implications of labels possibly come from the content from which they were originally derived, which goes back to the idea that things never really exist out of context.

A person gives another person a chopstick.
"What's this?"
"A knife."
"Oh okay."
And they procede to cut their steak with a stick.


Labels are only secondary to the actual experience.  But they still have a very important role because the actual experience isn't always available to everyone.  They are most effectively used with awareness of their shortcomings.

Discovering your True Self: Starting Without the Labels


What makes someone who they are?  From a subjective perspective, I think it's all of what they experience.  From an objective standpoint, I think it's all of what they do.  How do you find out who you are?  If you are what you experience, then pay attention to what you experience.  If you are what you do, then pay attention to what you do.  If happiness comes from what someone is naturally driven torwards (I understand there can be a lot of different meanings for happiness!  But this is how I am using it.) then finding out who you naturally are can be as simple as paying attention to what you naturally feel drawn to, or from an objective point of view, by paying attention what you naturally do.

But in order to find out what you are naturally drawn towards, you have to be exposed to opportunities.  If you don't know what's out there, you can't be drawn to it.  In early childhood, it's easy to be exposed to the world from a pure point of view.  That is you can see what's really before your eyes without much bias, because you haven't been alive long enough to develop much bias.  But the older you are and the more labels you have for things, the easier it is to be exposed to the world from a impure, filtered, biased point of view.

Labels aren't the real thing.  They are inaccurate symbols for them at best.  And as such, seeing the world solely through labels is impure and limiting.  Think about life without words.  If you relied on words to see the world, you wouldn't be able to see.

Labels come from language, which comes from communication, which comes from other people.  So seeing the world through labels is like seeing the world through someone else's point of view.  More specifically, through the point of view of the hypothetical common person who is the aggregate of everyone that speaks your language.  Of course you can synthesize these labels that come from other people and use them in a way that has only ever been used before by yourself, but you are still limited to expressing the atoms of meaning that are contained within those labels.

You have to see the world through your own eyes instead of someone else's.  You can't depend on someone else's labels and the meanings contained within to tell you who you are.  You have to be able to see things that don't have words yet!

So if you search for yourself in the hypothetical common person, you are missing out on a lot of potential self discoveries.  Everyone is so much more different than they think, because they are so used to seeing only what they have in common.  To find your true self, you have to be willing to look in other places than soley other people that you hope to have things in common with.

None of this is to say that labels are bad and that it's bad to have things in common with other people.  Those things are very important as well.  For one, seeing the world from the point of view of someone else can be extremely insightful.  And having things in common with other people can make you feel accepted and validated.  The point is just that it if it's the only place you look, then you are missing out on a lot of insight and can become doomed to thinking you are just a common person with the same interests and feelings as everyone else.

Expressing Yourself and the Need to Do So


As you discover who you are you probably want to share that with others.  Why and how?

Why?  If you express yourself, you are being yourself.  If being yourself is what naturally makes you happy, then by expressing yourself, you become happy.  If subjectively you are what you experience, and objectively you are what you do, then when you express yourself, you bring the subjective and the objective together.  When you express yourself, the world reciprocates.  You see in the world reflected back at you what you feel on the inside.  And that can be extremely validating.  It's the world saying "you exist."  Lastly, if nobody expressed themselves, then new ideas would never spread or develop, and we would live in a world without content.

How?  If the desire to express yourself to other people comes from the desire for ackowledgement, then you have to show people who you are.  You can't acknolwedge someone if you don't know they exist.  Showing people who you are can be as simple as being yourself before them.  But what if you have to explain to someone who you are?  Then you are stuck with using language, and that means labels.

In order to communicate who you are to someone, you have to use labels that they understand.  This can be frustrating because of the previously described shortcomings of labels.  Furthermore, most people aren't willing to read a biography of you (a previously mentioned work around for label inaccuracies is to use a lot more labels) just to get to know you.  People want to know who you are as soon as they find out about you.  They want you to fit into their labels so they can feel like they instantly know everything about you.  Unfortunately that's not how the world works.  But it doesn't stop people from trying and being heavily habituated to doing so.  As such, if you want to express yourself to these people, it's probably in your best interest to "sum your self up" using the most accurate labels you can find (as long as you don't fall into the traps associated with labels, as previously mentioned).

There will be some people that take the time to see through their labels and get to know you in a more pure way.  But even they will ever truly be able to know who you are, because they are fundamentally not you.  Labels are important aids of communication and people are going to use them, so despite their inability to truly portray you, knowing as well as you can which labels communicate which ideas to the other people, that people are going to assume many untrue things about you based on the labels you choose, and how to use those effectively is the most effective way to make an impression of yourself using words.

I like to say it this way.  Everyone will misunderstand you, but you have some control over how they misunderstand you.

Gender: An Illusion of Identity
Man-Made, Culture-Specific, Prepackaged, Stereotypical Identities


Now I'm going to start bringing all of this around to gender identity.  But first, some ground.

Sex is a biological distinction.  Living beings can be male, female, intersex, or even sexless.  Gender is social construct.  Societies associate roles, perceptions, and expectations with multiple genders (some societies even have more than two.)  Genders are typically assigned to people based on their sex and have a one-to-one correspondence with sex.

When two ideas become too similar, it's easy for them to become conflated.  Especially when the two ideas use the very same words.  (That's one of the failings of labels, as previously mentioned!)

In this case, the ideas of sex and gender, while theoretically being completely different concepts, are in practice tied together so seamlessly that they become easily confused and thought to be the exact same thing.  And it doesn't help that the words for male and female sex are the exact same words for male and female gender.  Thus it is an extremely common misconception that gender and sex are the exact same thing.  They're completely different.

Another difference between sex and gender is that sex is a naturally evolved distinction among living beings, and gender is a man-made idea.  The gender roles in a society, while most likely being influenced by some degree by the natural typical differences in behaviour among the different sexes, are arbitrary, and that is further confirmed in that in different cultures, gender roles can be completely different.

The reason gender becomes so important is because it is heavily engrained in society.  The rules of etiquette that apply to one gender don't always apply to the other.  Different career paths are typically expected from different genders.  It's even embeded into the very core of our language.  It's almost impossible to get by speaking without verbally acknowledging someone's gender role (pronouns, gendered nouns, etc.).  There can be strong stigma associated with acting outside of assigned gender roles.

Someone's gender identity is the aspect of a person's identity as it relates to the gender roles of society.  When someone feels comfortable with the gender role assigned to them at birth, we say that they are cisgender.  When someone feels uncomfortable with the gender role assigned to them at birth, we say they are transgender.  Seeing as how gender is so strongly a part of society, it can quickly become a challenge for transgender people to feel comfortable.

Now for what I really want to talk about.

Gender roles are but labels.  Not only are they labels, but they are forced upon us whether we like it or not.  Try as you might, but you will never be able to stop people from trying to assign a gender label to you when they acknowledge you.  Thus when it comes to expressing yourself to people, gender labels quickly become prominent.

In a handicapped quest to find out who you are by seeing the world solely through labels (as mentioned in a previous section) one of the most obvious encounters you will come across is gender.  How you learn about gender might vary from what you see in media or see with your own eyes.  You are most likely to end up with highly abstracted visualizations of what it means to be of each gender.  And they will most likely be stereotypical examples of such.  This creates the illusion that there are a few premade identities, ready to be assigned to people at birth, and the differences among people are as trivial as a simple gender distinction.

Then you question your gender identity.  And you ask yourself, "Which of these ready-made identities appeals to me the most?"  And kudos to you for questioning your gender identity, but be careful!  These are labels we are talking about.  And these particular labels are some of the most vague and inaccurate labels of them all, simply by virtue of the fact that they are forced upon everyone in an unnatural way.

You'll be able to more precisely figure out who you are if you don't look for yourself in one or the other of these incredibly vague ideas of each gender, but rather you look for yourself in what you naturally are drawn to regardless of what gender role it's associated with.  You are much freer without the boundaries of a gender label to define you.  And it rids you of the danger of becoming victim to the third flaw with labels that I described, that "False label implications have a tendancy to be artificially realized."  If you think you fit one gender role perfectly, you are in danger of actually becoming that instead of who you purely are.

Self Expression over Gender Expresion


Gender expression, as important as it is (though artificially so), is only one aspect of who you are.  But if you know who you are, and you want to express yourself with words to people, seeing as that you still have no choice but to be a gendered being in others' eyes, then you are going to have to decide how you want them to percieve you in relation to gender.  Like I said before, you are going to be misunderstood, but at least you have some control over just how you are misunderstood.

Me, Personally


Honestly, all of the previous stuff was just groundwork for being able to talk about what I'm about to talk about.  Now I get to talk about me! :la:

From what I know about myself so far in life, why would I, as a transgender female, prefer to be seen as a female?

I could say because the appearance that I, in a vaccuum with no limitations, would prefer to have is one that would be described as feminine. (Notice that I didn't say that I prefer a feminine appearance, but rather that the appearance I prefer is feminine, a categorical difference.  Rather than saying that I like what I see through the feminine label, I said that what I like would be better suited under the feminine label than another label.  And I have to say, the stereotypical image of a female that I have in my mind, I absolutely loathe.  But being myself is not about being what other people expect me to be, duh!)  I could say something similar about personality characteristics, though it's more blurry, and a lot about me wouldn't fit well under a masculine or feminine label, and many things would even fit better under a masculine one.

But for me that's not the point.

To be honest, I would prefer a society without the forced gendering of everyone.  I would personally feel more comfortable with that.  But there is forced gendering.  99.999% (no statistics on that) of the population will put me in a box.  So I have to pick.

For one thing, since I have some choice over how people will misinterpret me, I rather be a misinterpretted female than a misinterpretted male.  Secondly, as previously mentioned as one of the characteristics of labels, is that there is baggage associated with labels.  This is especially true of such extremely vague and encompassing labels as gender labels.  And I am more comfortable with the baggage that comes with being labeled female than the baggage that comes with being labeled male.

What is that baggage specifically?  I wouldn't be able to tell you actually.  But I know it's there.  For example, imagine a female for five seconds, and then imagine a male for five seconds.  They were different visualizations, weren't they?  You likely saw them dressed differently, presented differently, you have different memories associated with each of them, and you felt differently towards them.  They are deeply subconscious differences in conceptions that are difficult to analytically distinguish.  And while neither of the images you imagined, or any of you imagined, are likely to be even remotely close to how I feel on the inside, the female image you imagined is most likely closer to how I feel and is a better start for someone trying to figure out who I am (since they so insist on using labels in the first place).

Why do I want you to have an accurate of me?  That goes back to the need for self expression.  When someone gets a feeling about me that matches my feeling about myself, and then in return expresses that feeling back to me, I feel validated and like I actually exist.

How can I rely on something I can't pinpoint, differences that are so subconscious?  The same way I can confidentally tell you that my favorite color is gold without the slightest idea of what even gives people "favorite colors."  By comparing experiences in my mind and knowing what appeals to me the most, whether I specifically know why or not, that's how I know who I am.

Why Does it Matter?


Gender is something that goes on in the background.  Most people don't want to consciously "pursue their gender role," I've never heard of such a thing (though if that's you, there's nothing wrong with it if that's what you want to do, whatever it means to you!!)  Most people put their focus and conscious energy towards a concrete activity that they enjoy (or require) doing.  And as mentioned somewhere near the beginning of this journal, it seems totally counter intuitive to make such a big deal about what goes on in the background of life rather than the foreground of life.  But as I mentioned before, the background is the foundation upon which the foreground rests without which the foreground has nothing to define it.  If you skipped that section of this journal, you might want to go back and read The Little Things are the Biggest Things! :la:

WHEW, that ACTUALLY took 9 hours to write followed by another 45 minutes to read for errors. o_o  If you actually read to this point, you are a hero! :hug:  Or even if you just read part of it, that means a lot too. :XD:

Thank you~

Disclaimer: I like to emphasize that this is all based on my experiences and in no way do I expect them to automatically apply to everyone! :la:
  • Mood: Cheerful
  • Listening to: monitor hum
  • Reading: this.. painfully.. for errors x.x
  • Eating: near-future-doesn't-matter-i'm-hungry
  • Drinking: same
:happybounce:

I've mentioned before that I act differently depending on who I'm talking to.  It's because as I get to know someone and get used to talking with them, I pick my responses based on how I feel about that person.  Basically, different people bring out different sides of my personality.  I think everyone is like this to some extent.  Don't you act differently torwards your teachers than you do your parents or your friends?  With me it happens to be pretty different between different friends.

I spent some time thinking of the people that I talk to among which my personality is the most distinguished.  I came up with four main "corners" of me and named them after the people that bring that part of me out the most.  I won't say names here, but if I talk to you much then you can probably figure out which parts of me you see.  Instead I'll use letter names.  These aren't categories but are rather pillars marking the most extreme distnictions that I could find.

Overview of the Four Corners of Me


  • Corner A
    Characterized in part by frequent use of "xD" and "o:", hyperness, sillyness, and a lot of laughter.
  • Corner B
    Characterized in part by frequent use of "^-^" and "XD" (as opposed to "xD"), happiness, niceness/gentleness, and showing a lot of interest and/or concern for the other person.
  • Corner C
    Characterized in part by frequent use of "haha", calmness, understandingness, and thoughtfulness.
  • Corner D
    Characterized in part by frequent use of "lol" and "omg", a light passive presence, and a general lack of emoticon use and things to say.


Examples


Here is an example conversation that I made up for demonstration purposes followed by four case scenarios demonstrating how each corner would look (and I'm also being my self for the friend role):

Corner A


Me: YOOOOOOOOOOOO
Friend: yoOOOOoo : oooo
Me: how's it goinnn xD
Friend: it's goinnn MAGICALLYYYYY   anndd what aboutt yooo?? o:
Me: GOOD TOOO
Friend: awesome 8D   so what's goin onnnn
Me: nothinggg just.. like.... idunno... sitting xD   pretty boring, i must sayyy, but the more important question is whats going on for youuuuuuu 
Friend: xD   same thing yo
Me: nicenice xD  welpp  looks like i gotta go apparently, this example conversation is weird xD
Friend: yeah xDD it is   its like    idek  BUT ITS STRANGE yep  okay byeeeeeeee
Me: bahbahh //poofs

Corner B


Me: hiiiii ^_^
Friend: hello! : D
Me: how's it goingg? :3
Friend: pretty gooood ouo  what about you? o:
Me: good also! ^-^
Friend: yayyy XD  so what's up? ouo
Me: ohhhhhhhh just sitting I suppose XD  not really anythingg~  and youuu?
Friend: XD i'm doing that too acutally xP  yehpppp
Me: sounds funnn XD  wellll i have to go so, seee yaaaaa~ ^-^
Friend: okayyyy, byeeeee!! : D
Me: byeeeeee! : D

Corner C


Me: hi!
Friend: hello!
Me: how are you doing?
Friend: i'm doing well, what about you?
Me: that's good, i'm doing well too!
Friend: haha, awesome, what's up?
Me: nothing really, I'm just sitting here, haha, what about you?
Friend: i'm doing that same actually
Me: that's cool, well, I have to go, so i'll talk to you after a while, have a good day!
Friend: alright, thanks, you too!
Me: you're welcome, and thank you!

Corner D


Me: hihihihi
Friend: elloooo
Me: hows it goin
Friend: prettygood and u
Me: good toooo
Friend: nicenice   so sup
Me: just sitting u
Friend: sitting too lol
Me: lol ok well i have to go somewhere so i'll talk to you when i get back prolly okokok
Friend: okokok thats ok have fun  bye
Me: tyty byeee

They all have a different feel to them, and I always feel quite different talking to different people and having different sides of me brought out.  And like I said before, these are not categories.  Most people bring out a combination of these.  And if I know you well enough, then you might even bring out something unique that may not even be a part of any of these.

I should also say that these are the based on my online interactions.  In person I never have an opportunity to truly express myself, so I don't know how I would potentially act in person.  The only thing I know about my in-person side is that I'm too shy to ever say anything.

I don't think enough people will read this, but if you want, you can ask me which of the 4 corners/combinations thereof that I feel you bring out of me the most. :la:  Or try to guess! :giggle:
  • Mood: Artistic
  • Listening to: drizzling rain!

Hello! :jumpinghi: 


I feel inspired today!! big la  And I feel like talking too much about things! talk to the hand+plz 

Edit: It's so long, I thought I should add a table of contents :XD:

Contents:
  • Generalism
  • Impracticality
  • Childishness
  • Gender Transition
  • Outrooo


Generalism!


I know that in life I want to be a generalist.  I definitely don't want to be a specialist.  There are just too many things to do in this world and not enough time to do them all.  I don't want to spend 90% of my lifetime mastering one thing when there is so much more in the world than just that.  I would derive much more value from learning and experiencing a little bit of a lot of things rather than a lot of few things.

I know this because of multiple self-observations, *ahem* Cough 
  • I am naturally (and strongly) attracted to just about anything if I am exposed to it the the right way.  ManMagnetEmote   (And I have tons of interests already) I could be a nerd about almost anything! Snort Laugh 
  • Discipline doesn't work well at all for me. No, I disagree!  I can't do the same thing for very long without becoming miserable. :sad:   (Projects only hold my interest for on average a couple of days. Bored )
  • I don't like routine at all! Bleh  Too much routine brings my mood down.  It makes life seem dull and colorless. Another inside   I lose energy and everything seems boring, so I stop caring about it. :bored: 
  • I LOVE change! meowsquee   When my life takes a significant turn, I become so happy because there's suddenly many new interesting experiences to soak in! CCCOOOOOOOLLLLLLLOOOORRRSSSS! OMG - Watch that   This is why I have a history of constantly rearranging my room.  It changes the environment :meow:  And you may think the environment isn't that important, but really, for me, it is.  It's the background of my experience that compliments my main focus which is the foreground.  Even though it's usually not what I pay attention to, it strongly defines what I do actually pay attention to.  And it has a lot of impact on my mood and how I feel about everything.   Would deviantArt feel as home-y if it had a terrible design? Curious 


So all of that to me says in big pretty capital letters that I, at heart, am inclined towards :iconrainbow-gplz:iconrainbow-eplz:iconrainbow-nplz:iconrainbow-eplz:iconrainbow-rplz:iconrainbow-aplz:iconrainbow-lplz:iconrainbow-iplz:iconrainbow-splz:iconrainbow-mplz: :iconrainbow-exclamation:
Edit: "GENERALISM"  Why don't the :icon: things work anymore? o_o

:party:

And if that's the way I am, I have to work with it. :shake-it:   I can't try to be a specialist even though society tries to push everybody people down down such paths like there's nothing else they can do fair fight    That path isn't for everyone, and it's problematic that there aren't more options for those that aren't inclined towards that. baby you can drive my car 

 :excited: 

Jeez, I need to calm down . . . :calmdown: 

Not so practical OH YEEEAH HE HE

  

Another thing about me is that I'm not a practical person, I appreciate things primarily for their end value and I focus much less on "what it's supposed to do and how that can aid me towards my goals."  For example, I like monitors.  I like monitors because it's fun to line them all up and have a super large desktop that I can't possibly find enough uses for. :dummy:  
I like monitors because it's fun...
  
because it's fun...
 

it's fun...

 

fun...

fun i tell u

Like, you know, instead of, "beacuse it's useful and helps me to accomplish things more efficiently"   pfff forget that Dignity laugh   that's how they WANT you to think :confident: It's like they want you to get so caught up in long term goals that you forget about how to live in the moment.  Waitwhut?   and so you spend all of your whole life working towards a long term goal and when you finally reach it... you've forgotten how to even enjoy it!  Noes!   Maybe I'm exaggerating here, but yeah.. :XD:

But basically, if you forget how to enjoy things for what they are, live in the moment and such, how do you expect to enjoy the end result of a long term goal after all that hard work? Spaz attack :updated: 

Boring and safe vs. exciting and dangerous :brazen: 


The way I see it... (and I have pretty good eyes, i think senses - sight  not rly)  You can live the safe way... stick to what you are familiar with, be resistant to things that you aren't familiar with, and lead a secure, stable, but routine (boring? Whistling ) life, orrrrrrrrr on the flip side you can live the dangerous way... always taking risks with what you aren't familiar with, be spontaneous, and lead an unstable, adventurious life, full of constant surprises and new wonderful things! F2U: dummy dream   But of course that's not to say you can't do both :nod:  And with certain really really important things like basic needs, it makes sense to be more cautious with it, I think.  But that goes back to practicality.  Those aren't the things I would be living for but rather the things that are allowing me to live.  My curious explorative nature naturally draws me towards adventurious spontaneous desires.  Those are the things I want to live for.  But I have to make sure I have the things that allow me to live taken care of so I don't have to worry about them and can focus on the enjoyable things. :bird: 

About the "dangerous" part though... if I take a risk and change everything up, things might be worse than they were before!  It's totally possible. :nod:  But it's necessary.  Without the exciting and dangerous aspect, I can start to feel really dull and down, akin to feeling depressed, I suppose Depressed (which goes back to earlier when I said constant routine makes me feel this way).

I think it goes something like this:
Rather than there being "good" things and "bad" things in the world, there are "meaningful" things and "meaningless" things.  That is, there are things we care about and things we don't.  When something we care about goes well, we call it a "good" thing and when something we care about goes in a way we don't like, we call it a "bad" thing.  By caring about something, we taking risks with our emotions.  We'll try our hardest to do good things for what we care about, but it's not always in our control.  I think depressed people's lack of interest and care partially comes from a defense mechanism.  If everything they try to care about goes bad more than it goes good, it may hurt less for them just to simply not care about it.  Unfortunately by trying to block the negative feelings they also block the positive ones.  Because they revert to a more stable and secure way that doesn't get shooken up as much in neither good nor bad ways. ... Zoned Out 

That's so... childish Thank you! Thank you! 


"Childish" sounds like a bad thing... for some reason..: confusion :. A quick google search gives these two definitions:
  • of, like, or appropriate to a child.
  • silly and immature.

Aha, ah got choo' now :fork: rvmp
The first definition is a pure definition, it knows what its talking about, what's the real deal, its my buddy :meow: ...and the second one.. I think is what is usually meant by "childish." :nod:  Silly and immature aren't automatically bad things though! CURSE YOU!  Immaturity is something everrrybody experiences, and we are alllll always immature.  A definition search for immature gives this: "not fully developed."  that makes sense, and there's nothing wrong with it, so it's a shame that it has a bad reputation.  There's no such thing as fully developed.  I would really dislike it if there were such a thing.  I would never want to be "fully developed," because that means i'm... finished :shoot:    ... I don't wanna be finished. o O   That means I'm done with life!! Wow!  There's nothing left to do, nowhere left to go.  No more desires, no more action, no more existing.

No more singing, no more dancing... :happy: 


No more art, no more music... A Real o.O 


No more friends, no more family... Eh.. whut did j00 sai? :uh: 


No more pizza, no more tacos... :eunderscoree: 


Yeahhh you get the point, basically, no more nothin'! RAEG 

There's nothing wrong with being immature.  Immaturity is the ideal state for potential, I think. :la:  That's not to say it's wrong or bad to be mature either, at all.  Maturity is good too! :aww:  That's something to be proud of because you've learned and overcome things.  I'm just saying I don't want to think that becoming mature means I'm "done," like I've mastered everything and suddenly know everything or something weird like that :giggle: I want to always keep with me aspects of immaturity throughout my life, because I want to always seek opportunities to grow and always have things to do, and I'm more open to that when I tell my brain how immature I am. :happybounce:

The other word, though, "silly," it's important too! Omg I gets present Google says, "having or showing a lack of common sense or judgment; absurd and foolish."  More things that I feel are usually looked down on. :saddummy:  But I think there is also value in those things.  There is value in absurdity, which google defines as "wildly unreasonable, illogical, or inappropriate."  Logic is great and all, but it's only one part of the puzzle (and brain).  :puzzle:   On the other side of the coin is creativity! ZOMG. Aztec gold. 

Creativity is totally unreasonable.  Creativity is about new stuff, yo.  Logic is about discovering things thare are already there.  Already there is by definition not new.  So they are two different things.  And creativity is by nature illogical.  And creativity is AMAZING! My :la: is a square-FREE ICON It's what gives the world it's flavah! Lily's Rainbow Box Creativity makes the world what it is, and logic helps us to fully discover it, so why can't the irrational people and the rational people get along? Bro Fist 

Children are pretty creative, I think, they also have a lot of potential.  Heck they're nothing but potential.  They're also pretty silly, and can be immature, sure :giggle:  But those are all wonderful things and nothing to be ashamed of! balloon So if you're "childish," I would say that that's pretty darn rad~ Cool   I value childishness.  Being silly and immature are two things that I want to always keep with me. :meow:  And I can keep them with me while also learning to appreciate rationality and maturity.  Both of them are great things! :squee:

Just a thing about me Sticky bal 


Something I'm doing that people may or may not be suspicious about already is that that I'm transitioning from male to female. :nod: (I mean if you've looked, most of my profiles say "female" now)  I'm... transforming!! Emoticon Emotorise 2 It's something that's very important to me, but it's not something I want to make a big deal out of.

I've realized over the past few years that I would be happier with an identity as a female rather than a male.  I began to realize as I opened my mind up to ideas about who I am, and by imagining myself being absolutely however I like with 0 restrictions.  And I started thinking about what life would be like as a girl... and... I thought... wait a minute... Waitwhut? I kind of prefer imagining myself as a girl than a guy...?! Wait, what!? I investigated further and tried out a female name, "Madeline," a name that I happy to like very very much~ :meow:  It's amazing how just changing your internet handle can change the way you feel about yourself! :o  I immediately loved seeing the name next to my messages, and I loved being "mistaken" for a girl by people I hadn't talked to before.  I would "correct" them usually by saying "I'm not actually a girl, haha" or something like that.  But then I got to thinking about what it actually means to be of a certain gender.  And then I stumbled upon the term "transgender" and I learned about a whole lot of new interesting ideas concerning gender and identity, and how many flavors of people there really are :D  And I also discovered people that go through gender transitions.  I immediately knew that I would like to do something like that, but for a while I just concidered it an impossible dream.  But I still kept my "Madeline" internet name, because it made me happy, quite simply. :)  Eventually I thought more about my future... and how it's my future... and how I would really, truly like to live my life, and I came to the conclusion that I would want to transition as well. :meow:  After many failed attempts, my terribly shy self managed to painstakingly tell my family what I wanted to do, and that was that.  (After I got it out I couldn't talk and layed on the floor for a few hours shaking Scared )

Looking back, it kinda makes sense :o  I've always loved feminine names, despite not having a clue what actually makes them feminine rather than masculine.  I've never liked anything about puberty.  And somehow I even managed to be assumed to be a girl via text chats over the internet o_O (How someone types like a girl? I have no clue! O_o )

Anyway!


I've typed wayyy too much! FLAILPLZ

To wrap things up, I'm saying that want to be an impractical, childish, generalist, that does creative things, or uh... something along those lines :nod:  :XD:  I want to be freeee and live by my self in a cozy little house also.  I dunnooo, but yah, byeee! :XD:

Bye 

I also had a ton of fun picking out emoticons for this :giggle:
  • Mood: Big Grin
  • Listening to: air shampoo, we're out of air conditioner
  • Drinking: yellow gatorade

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you're welcomeeee :la: :hug:
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